went out with A and J for lunch today, after all the bitching and girlie talk, we came to the conversation of being lost, goal searching, or even avoiding...
I admit, i had been avoiding the question myself - is time to really think about what I want.....
Im in denial, im lost, i am lonely, no one could understand that.
lately it has been too many depressing / angry posts. Obviously im going through some tough time - or perhaps i need some hormone shots to booze me up bit.
why dont i feel good about life? i want consistency.
im hurting
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
yup, is not nessecerily
Kelly and I just had this conversation not too long ago, i dunno if we are aging, or was it the booze eating up our brain cell slowly. I have been really forgetful lately.
not as sharp as I used to be anymore...
had only 3 hours sleep last night, went for an hour run/walk during lunch hour - came back all exhausted. Suppose to make dinner for 9 ppls tonight, I have a feeling im gonna cut myself in the chopping board or burn myself in the stove with the sleepy head.
Thank goodness dad came up with this idea of having a bbq instead - I absolutely love the Idea!
coz there is no way we could fit 9 peoples in our dinner table.
u know one of those old peoples that told you the story over and over again coz they forgotten they had told you b4? I am one of them. so i guess i pissed/ annoyed someone tonight by telling the story again - well actually is not so much about i had forgotten about that.
I felt absolutely embarrassed when she told me off in a unfriendly tone - infront of peoples.
am I being too sensitive to let this bother me the whole night? But i am proud that i tried hard to control and hide it well ..... i ll give the credit to the wine.......
not as sharp as I used to be anymore...
had only 3 hours sleep last night, went for an hour run/walk during lunch hour - came back all exhausted. Suppose to make dinner for 9 ppls tonight, I have a feeling im gonna cut myself in the chopping board or burn myself in the stove with the sleepy head.
Thank goodness dad came up with this idea of having a bbq instead - I absolutely love the Idea!
coz there is no way we could fit 9 peoples in our dinner table.
u know one of those old peoples that told you the story over and over again coz they forgotten they had told you b4? I am one of them. so i guess i pissed/ annoyed someone tonight by telling the story again - well actually is not so much about i had forgotten about that.
I felt absolutely embarrassed when she told me off in a unfriendly tone - infront of peoples.
am I being too sensitive to let this bother me the whole night? But i am proud that i tried hard to control and hide it well ..... i ll give the credit to the wine.......
Friday, August 24, 2007
whats this all about?
I tend to get annoyed with the males around me.
some of them is because all he could talk about is "I I I, me me me, myself myself myself" and not so interested of listening to other's story. gets touchy and offended over small little thing.
some of them is because he's full of himself, likes to put others down just to make himself look better. I think the reason is he is being insecure.
some of them is because he thinks you are incapable, all the comments coming from him about you is negative. And he will keep on nagging and nagging this and that you are not doing right. hardly hear any nice things he had to say about you.
some of them is because he's stubborn, everything you said is incorrect, everything you said followed by "but...., or no, or theres a better way"
but all the above have a common issue - they dont realize it, and if you tell them off ( IF YOU ) they will find all the strength in their male power to defend themselves. Ready to put up a good fight to deny.
Actually im more annoyed with myself that i cant put up with that.
just leave me alone...... i honestly just want to be alone.......im depressed again
some of them is because all he could talk about is "I I I, me me me, myself myself myself" and not so interested of listening to other's story. gets touchy and offended over small little thing.
some of them is because he's full of himself, likes to put others down just to make himself look better. I think the reason is he is being insecure.
some of them is because he thinks you are incapable, all the comments coming from him about you is negative. And he will keep on nagging and nagging this and that you are not doing right. hardly hear any nice things he had to say about you.
some of them is because he's stubborn, everything you said is incorrect, everything you said followed by "but...., or no, or theres a better way"
but all the above have a common issue - they dont realize it, and if you tell them off ( IF YOU ) they will find all the strength in their male power to defend themselves. Ready to put up a good fight to deny.
Actually im more annoyed with myself that i cant put up with that.
just leave me alone...... i honestly just want to be alone.......im depressed again
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
one word - FUN!
havent had such a fun weekend in a long time!
irish beer, irish music, big ass nachos, company of good friends
Jenene just recently moved to town from Toronto.
Utsaf just visiting town for the weekend from vancouver
After two pitchers, we realized : why not just hang out at jame's newly built private bar. So we took off and got more drinks from the liquor store....cranked up the stereo and had a private party.
let me tell u the story of brain, he was the tiny mice that was bought from pet store to feed Nate's python when he was away. After swinging brain with a pillow case, and throw him in the snake tank, Fluffy (the python) just wont touch him....James adopted him because there is something special about this survivor , who managed to live in the same tank with a hungry python for 7 days......now brain got a wife name Bella who just recently gave birth to 11 babies.
irish beer, irish music, big ass nachos, company of good friends
Jenene just recently moved to town from Toronto.
Utsaf just visiting town for the weekend from vancouver
After two pitchers, we realized : why not just hang out at jame's newly built private bar. So we took off and got more drinks from the liquor store....cranked up the stereo and had a private party.
the boys were pimping
me, sooooooo hammered taking picture with mr Brain
let me tell u the story of brain, he was the tiny mice that was bought from pet store to feed Nate's python when he was away. After swinging brain with a pillow case, and throw him in the snake tank, Fluffy (the python) just wont touch him....James adopted him because there is something special about this survivor , who managed to live in the same tank with a hungry python for 7 days......now brain got a wife name Bella who just recently gave birth to 11 babies.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
job hunting status - the question i had been avoiding
last week, my boss asked me a very good question "Do you have preference in hw development over hw test?"
three months ago, i would have said yes - coz i enjoyed sw test sooo much.
It actually gave me the satisfaction after each test - that i ve learned and gained.
but most of the test cycles im doing right now, just like boom boom boom, get things done, follow the procedure without knowing whats happening behind the scene. Like today, i started a crest factor test for different orders of harmonic.
like " what the hell is crest factor??!!!"
honestly i could ve easily finished doing the test and still not knowing what it is if i dont do research on it.
project deadline is two weeks away, and there is absolutely no time for research- hey im not complaining that i have too much work. i enjoy the fast pace. yes it can be stressful but i chose to look at it as knocking one down after another like swinging the baseball bat with my fullest strength. Come my way and I can knock you down!
but my point is, is this what i wanna do as my career? the boss raised and force me to really think about my passion. the question that I have been avoiding.
I cant give him an answer coz i had never have any experience in design besides small school projects. How would I know which one do I prefer?
after thinking about this for a week, it is still inconclusive - simply because I had never worked in development, i could see test could be pretty boring after doing the same old things over and over again. arg I dunno....
he just told me there are 80 applicants are competing with me - I had just applied a new position, competing with the shortlisted candidates? i mean there are two piles of resume - with and without experience.
i am not getting a good vibe out of this. But im try as hard as I could to keep my spirit up and be positive.
wish me luck~
three months ago, i would have said yes - coz i enjoyed sw test sooo much.
It actually gave me the satisfaction after each test - that i ve learned and gained.
but most of the test cycles im doing right now, just like boom boom boom, get things done, follow the procedure without knowing whats happening behind the scene. Like today, i started a crest factor test for different orders of harmonic.
like " what the hell is crest factor??!!!"
honestly i could ve easily finished doing the test and still not knowing what it is if i dont do research on it.
project deadline is two weeks away, and there is absolutely no time for research- hey im not complaining that i have too much work. i enjoy the fast pace. yes it can be stressful but i chose to look at it as knocking one down after another like swinging the baseball bat with my fullest strength. Come my way and I can knock you down!
but my point is, is this what i wanna do as my career? the boss raised and force me to really think about my passion. the question that I have been avoiding.
I cant give him an answer coz i had never have any experience in design besides small school projects. How would I know which one do I prefer?
after thinking about this for a week, it is still inconclusive - simply because I had never worked in development, i could see test could be pretty boring after doing the same old things over and over again. arg I dunno....
he just told me there are 80 applicants are competing with me - I had just applied a new position, competing with the shortlisted candidates? i mean there are two piles of resume - with and without experience.
i am not getting a good vibe out of this. But im try as hard as I could to keep my spirit up and be positive.
wish me luck~
Saturday, August 11, 2007
on August 10th
Thats right, it was Pooky's birthday -
I wanted to bake him a cake on his 1st birthday, but had absolutely no time because my last final exam didnt finished till 10 at night, and i was busy the whole night packing coz im leaving for malaysia right the next morning.
So this year, i made it up to him - this is the first successful cake i bake too! (i suck at baking)
Peanut butter carrot cake ~
Eyes on cake.........
darling put alot of effort into our brand new baby lawn, and see the brown spot in the middle? that was trashed by all the doggies wrestling because the grass is still too fragile.
and that is skylotte - if you remember this post months ago, she is now fully recovered!
Kenny brought to my attention that he had been smiling at the end of the day - and is TRUE! he was really really happy - I think, I THINK, that is because darling bought him lots of treats in the afternoon + he had few doggies friends and played the whole evening + then followed by a bbq medium raw steak all by him self + Last but not least, his peanut butter carrot cake.see how much they enjoy it, only we tot ching finished her cake in seconds and when i replayed the video, i noticed skylotte finished two cakes and ching didnt get any!! only the crumbs! i gotto bring her some the next time....
he did feel special on his birthday, i know i know, u must think im crazy coz he's just a dog right? but hey! he is more than a dog to us, he's just like our child.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
sweet 16 - long long time ago...
Last weekend, M has couple of friends visiting from vancouver, one of them is this sweet 16 years old girl. She reminded darling of me when I was 16.
I sat back sipping on my beer - thinking , omg, that was me 10 years ago. Im old!
it was a fun night, we drank, we danced, we had chips and pizza. but i was a tiny bit depress.
what had i achieved the passed 10 years? what had i learnt? and how much wiser hv I gotten?
oh man, i need more time to make that list.
or perhaps I dont want to...
I sure miss 16, particularly high school, my good friends, puppy love....
Do you remember your 16?
I sat back sipping on my beer - thinking , omg, that was me 10 years ago. Im old!
it was a fun night, we drank, we danced, we had chips and pizza. but i was a tiny bit depress.
what had i achieved the passed 10 years? what had i learnt? and how much wiser hv I gotten?
oh man, i need more time to make that list.
or perhaps I dont want to...
I sure miss 16, particularly high school, my good friends, puppy love....
Do you remember your 16?
Thursday, August 02, 2007
dont under estimate the power of stress
work has been busy - is just so many tasks to be done at one time..
There was this guy at work, who is like a total workaholic. he doesnt joke, he had lunch in his office while working. He has no patient for questions or what-so-ever.
I was told - he wasnt like that few years ago. He was a really nice guy - not as cold as now.
He joked, outgoing, definitely social more than now so.
see what stress could do to you? In my mind, i feel sorry for him, and i really wonder if he realized that he is now a total different person compared to 4 years back.
When you get heavier work load, bigger responsibilities, you will be all committed n give everything you have. moved like 5 mins walk from the company, probably work from home too.....
sigh, I told myself I will never be like that, but deep deep down inside, i am scare
There was this guy at work, who is like a total workaholic. he doesnt joke, he had lunch in his office while working. He has no patient for questions or what-so-ever.
I was told - he wasnt like that few years ago. He was a really nice guy - not as cold as now.
He joked, outgoing, definitely social more than now so.
see what stress could do to you? In my mind, i feel sorry for him, and i really wonder if he realized that he is now a total different person compared to 4 years back.
When you get heavier work load, bigger responsibilities, you will be all committed n give everything you have. moved like 5 mins walk from the company, probably work from home too.....
sigh, I told myself I will never be like that, but deep deep down inside, i am scare
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